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Archive for March, 2009

The Meaning of the word ‘Service’

March 24, 2009 Tim Hansell Leave a comment

For this one I thank Steve Welsby:

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word ‘Service’.

Internal Revenue  ‘Service’

U.S. Postal  ‘Service’

Telephone ‘Service’

Cable  ‘Service’

Civil  ‘Service’

Customer ‘Service’

State, City, & County Public ‘Service’
This is not what I  thought ‘Service’ meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them
said he had hired a bull to ‘Service’ a few cows.

BAM!!!

It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those ‘Service’ agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I  am.

Categories: Humorous

Country Funeral Story

March 24, 2009 Tim Hansell Leave a comment

As a young minister in Kentucky , I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.
 
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost.  Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.  I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.  The digging crew was eating lunch.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave.  There I saw the vault lid already in place.  I assured
the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.
 
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently as I began to pour out my heart and soul.
 
As I preached about ‘looking forward to a brighter tomorrow’ and ‘the glory that is to come,’ the workers began to say ‘Amen,’ ‘Praise the
Lord,’ and ‘Glory!’ The fervor of these men truly inspired me.  So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way
from Genesis to Revelations.   I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car.
 
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, “I ain’t NEVER seen nothin’ like that before,
and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks for thirty years!”

Categories: Humorous

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

March 24, 2009 Tim Hansell Leave a comment

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the  husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just  returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the  first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is darn hot down here!!!!

Saying Grace In A Restaurant

March 24, 2009 Tim Hansell Leave a comment

Another one I got from an e-mail:

Last week, I took my children to a restaurant.

My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, ‘God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!’
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, ‘That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, Inever!’

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, ‘Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?’

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific jo b, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my son and said, ‘I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.’

‘Really?’ my son asked.

‘Cross my heart,’ the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), ‘Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.’

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, ‘Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already.’

Categories: Thought Provoking

God vs Science

March 24, 2009 Tim Hansell Leave a comment

Got this via e-mail. Thought I would share it here:

 A professor of science & philosophy begins his school year with a lecture to his students.

 The professor pauses before his class, ‘Let me explain the problem science has with religion.’

 He then asks one of his new students to stand. ‘You’re a Christian, aren’t you, son?’

 ’Yes sir,’ the student says.

 ’So you believe in God?’

 ’Absolutely.’

 ’Is God good?’

 ’Sure! God’s good.’

 ’Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?’

 ’Yes.’

 ’Are you good or evil?’

 ’The Bible says I’m evil.’

 The professor grins knowingly. ‘Aha! The Bible!’

 He considers for a moment. ‘Here’s one for you…Let’s say there’s a sick person and you can cure him. Would you help him? Would you try?’

 ’Yes sir, I would.’

 ’So you are good…!’

 ’I wouldn’t say that.’

 ’But why not say that? You’d help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could, but God doesn’t.’

 The student does not answer, so the professor continues.

 ’He doesn’t, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good, Hmmm? Can you answer that one?’

 The student remains silent.

 ’No, you can’t, can you?’ the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.  ‘Let’s start again, young fella. Is God good?’

 ’Er…yes,’ the student says.

 ’Is Satan good?’

 The student doesn’t hesitate on this one. ‘No.’

 ’Then where does Satan come from?’

 The student falters. ‘From God.’

 ’That’s right. God made Satan, didn’t he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?’

 ’Yes, sir.’

 ’Evil is everywhere, isn’t it? And God made everything, correct?’

 ’Yes.’

 ’So who created evil?’ The professor continued, ‘If God created everything, then God created evil, and since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.’

 Again, the student has no answer.

 ’Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?’

 The student squirms on his feet. ‘Yes.’

 ’So who created them?’

 The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. ‘Who created them?’

 There is still no answer.

Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized.

 ’Tell me,’ he continues onto another student. ‘Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?’

 The student’s voice betrays him and cracks. ‘Yes, professor, I do.’

 The old man stops pacing. ‘Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?’

 ’No sir. I’ve never seen Him.’

 ’Then tell us if you’ve ever heard your Jesus?’

 ’No, sir, I have not.’

 ’Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelled your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?’

 ’No, sir, I’m afraid I haven’t.’

 ’Yet you still believe in him?’

 ’Yes.’

 ’According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?’

 ’Nothing,’ the student replies. ‘I only have my faith.’

 ’Yes, faith,’ the professor repeats. ‘And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.’

 At the back of the room another student stands quietly for a moment before asking a question of His own. ‘Professor, is there such thing as heat?’

 ’Yes,’ the professor replies. ‘There’s heat.’

 ’And is there such a thing as cold?’

 ’Yes, son, there’s cold too.’

 ’No sir, there isn’t.’

 The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet.

 The student begins to explain.

 ’You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don’t have anything called ‘cold’. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold, otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest: 458 degrees.’

 ’Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.’

 Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

 ’What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?’

 ’Yes,’ the professor replies without hesitation. ‘What is night if it isn’t darkness?’

 ’You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is not some thing. It is the absence of some thing. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it’s called darkness, isn’t it? That’s the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn’t. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?’

 The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. ‘So what point are you making, young man?’

 ’My point is this professor; your philosophical premise is flawed to start with and so your conclusion must also be flawed.’

 The professor’s face cannot hide his surprise this time. ‘Flawed? Can you explain how?’

 ’You are working on the premise of duality,’ the student explains. ‘You argue that there is life and then there’s death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it. Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?’

 ’If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.’

 ’Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?’

 The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

 The student continues; ‘Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now, not a scientist, but a preacher?’

 The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

 ’To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean.’ The student looks around the room. ‘Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor’s brain?’ The class breaks out into laughter. ‘Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor’s brain, felt the professor’s brain, touched or smelt the professor’s brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir. So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?’

 Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.  Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. ‘I guess you’ll have to take them on faith.’

 ’So, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,’ the student continues. ‘Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?’

 Uncertain, the professor responds; ‘Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man’s inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.’

 The student replies, ‘Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself.  Evil is simply the absence of God.  It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God’s love present in his heart. It’s like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.’

 The professor sat down.

Categories: Thought Provoking